My therapist wants to do EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) Therapy with me as soon as she gets office space.
I'm nervous about it. She said something today that I hadn't realized.
The trauma of Carlie's actual birth...I only let myself travel so far, and then my mind blacks out and I can't venture any further. I may experience it in flashes, but nothing is completely tacked together. I have to jump to certain points of the labor and delivery. Going through it from start to finish is nearly impossible, to truly feel all the emotions that come with it.
She validated once again: you are not crazy. You experienced a traumatic event.
I am diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.
But I am not crazy.
So many people don't understand me right now. I don't understand myself, either, so welcome to the club.
I have to navigate through this foreign territory just like you do.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Question marks.
If I could just be good enough, would You take this all away?
Sometimes I beg with everything in me that all of this is a horrible nightmare, and that I will wake up from it any. moment.
I wait. I breathe. I hear my pulse in my ears, the rhythm of anticipation aching my senses. I might even close my eyes, metaphorically clicking my heels and wishing to go home. Wherever home is, it has to be better than this damned place.
If I were better polished on the outside; no, if I were better polished on the inside, would I have been good enough to keep her here on earth?
Would I actually make a lousy mother? Am I delusional enough to believe otherwise? Is that why she didn't stay?
Was her death a result of my sin, like David and Bathsheba? [If so, then fuck you,God.]
Did I not repent enough for things that were hidden? Even though I was closer toYou around the time that we found out her gender, closer than I'd been before... was it too late? Had you already fixated your wrath for the sins I'd already committed?
Did I not take care enough? Did I overlook so many signs that something was wrong?
Is my body broken? Am I never intended to have children, and You were just throwing me a proverbial bone so that I could at least say "I'm a mother?"
But I'm not a mother. I have not mothered. And I feel cheated out of this.
And sometimes I hate You.
I hate myself more.
People say I'm strong, but I'm nothing but a flimsy weakling.
Sometimes I beg with everything in me that all of this is a horrible nightmare, and that I will wake up from it any. moment.
I wait. I breathe. I hear my pulse in my ears, the rhythm of anticipation aching my senses. I might even close my eyes, metaphorically clicking my heels and wishing to go home. Wherever home is, it has to be better than this damned place.
If I were better polished on the outside; no, if I were better polished on the inside, would I have been good enough to keep her here on earth?
Would I actually make a lousy mother? Am I delusional enough to believe otherwise? Is that why she didn't stay?
Was her death a result of my sin, like David and Bathsheba? [
Did I not repent enough for things that were hidden? Even though I was closer toYou around the time that we found out her gender, closer than I'd been before... was it too late? Had you already fixated your wrath for the sins I'd already committed?
Did I not take care enough? Did I overlook so many signs that something was wrong?
Is my body broken? Am I never intended to have children, and You were just throwing me a proverbial bone so that I could at least say "I'm a mother?"
But I'm not a mother. I have not mothered. And I feel cheated out of this.
And sometimes I hate You.
I hate myself more.
People say I'm strong, but I'm nothing but a flimsy weakling.
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